Is your glass half full or half empty?

It’s been awhile since I last updated my blog.

Okay, who am I to kid myself here?

A 5-month absence can’t really be classified as ‘awhile’ unless you are on maternity leave... or can it?


I do miss driving on occasions ever since I came here but seriously, who would bother driving when the public transport system is so convenient, not to mention so much cheaper?

Just the other day I was standing in the bus on my way to work (no, in case you’re wondering, I don’t drive buses for a living + driving while standing up will just be too plain dangerous!) when the bus stopped at a traffic light and a pick-up truck transporting foreign construction workers stopped beside it.

I looked at them and asked myself, “What have I done to deserve such a good life?”

We don’t get to choose where we were born or our parents. We don’t get to pick our race and whether or not we get to be born free of deformities.

Compare a child who is a genius with an IQ of 150 born in a small rural village in Bangladesh to parents who did not have any form of education and a child born here with an average IQ – who will fare better in life?

Maybe I consider myself more privileged than those construction workers but for them, perhaps they themselves feel that they are already much better off than the people left behind in their villages who did not get the opportunity to come here, earn some money and go home to become the few richer ones there.

We also don’t get to choose how or when we die (unless one decides to commit suicide but that’ll be just plain stupid) so why not enjoy our journey while we’re still here?

And to think that we moan about being in a cramped fully air-conditioned bus and when there are no more available seats left in the train.


“If you haven’t all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don’t have that you wouldn’t want.” – Unknown

If it makes you happy

The other day a dear friend commented that she enjoys my company because I'm (usually) always optimistic. Or at least that was how it came across to me but now it comes out sounding more like me blowing my own trumpet. Ha!

It's hard to be in high spirits all the time, especially on a sh*tty Monday morning (because you are, for once, wishing that you are "really" sick and still under the duvet). But it's important to always remember that the bad days are here to remind us to appreciate the good ones more as they come along and also to value all the little things in life that we usually take for granted. *nag*nag*nag*

Trust me, it gets easier with practice. Truckloads of them.


And here's a (non-exhaustive) list of things that never fail to lift me up, in no particular order:

- A good night's sleep but not without waking up in the middle of the night, looking at the clock and finding out that there's still at least one full hour left before the alarm rings

- Reading books with absolutely zilch educational value whatsoever on the train on my way to work and coming across a line such as:

" I'm being cruel, taking George to the same restaurant as Sebastian. But love has made me evil." - Candace Bushnell in 'The Carrie Diaries'

And then proceeding to laugh out loud until the people around me think that one of my screws fell out of my ear while I was tossing and turning in my sleep last night.

- Bopping my head and/or shuffling my feet to R&B tunes whilst commuting on a public transport - so what if people think I'm retarded?

Maybe I am. It's the same concept surrounding how people who are pissed but keep on insisting that they're sober. So there. I'm a cuckoo. Really.

- Walking faster than the guy in front of me on my way to my office building and overtaking him. Simply because I can.

- Ikura (salmon roe) especially if there's a mountain of them sitting on a bed of Japanese rice topped with salmon sashimi and avocado

- Stand-up comedy because I enjoy a good stomachache and my face being numb.

- Massages because pain is indeed pleasure - Mei Yen at Kenko Reflexology & Spa @ Marina Square has magic hands.

And no, she's neither my other cousin nor did she pay me to do some advertisement here.

- Outdoor yoga (same concept as massages - see above) - the sweat dripping onto the mat, the quivering muscles, the sun, breeze, mist of rain

I'm not sure about you but my favorite pose is the Savasana (corpse pose)

- Coming across a good quote, e.g. "At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store."' - Mark Klein

- Something to look forward to, preferable in the near future - a day off, a movie, long weekends, a vacation, your immediate boss finally coming back from her 4-month-long maternity leave

- The smell of rain

- The sunlight on my face accompanied by a light breeze (but no more than 15 minutes MAX)

- Hearing a song that I have not heard for ages on the radio. Last weekend's was Christina Aguilera's 'I Turn to You' on a Chinese radio station

When I'm lost in the rain,

In your eyes I know I'll find the light

To light my way

- Being awakened on a Saturday morning to the sounds of a cheerful soon-to-be-2-year-old Aydan singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when the sun is scorching outside.

Somehow, someway, the cousin and cousin-in-law must have got their formula right.

- Spending the whole Sunday just bumming around at home, on the couch, reading the weekend paper leaf by leaf and suddenly, out of nowhere, a good article or a phrase that someone said just caught your eye

If there's none, I'll settle for a good food review anytime. With photos, please.

- The "Oh, yesssssssss, finally, it's about friggin' time, isn't it???" feeling I get at the end of my treadmill sessions/ 3km runs

So yeah, maybe some of the best things in life are indeed free.

A year older & hopefully...

a year wiser.

This is the last year when I can write my age with a number 2_ at the front. I'd rather not dwell too much on how scary it is sometimes when you stop to wonder where the hell has all the time gone.
(2010 has been quite alarming. It's approaching 4Q already??? You must be kidding me!)

And who am I to judge whether or not I am indeed wiser?

All I can say is that I do honestly feel that I've never been happier at any point in my life compared to right here. Right now.


Surely I'll be more delighted if I can get a better job offer tomorrow, with a fatter paycheck and manageable workload.

Or if I can meet the man of my dreams next week, marry him in a whirlwind (not bad, ok?) romance, proceed to have 3 beautiful children & live happily ever after in a house with a white picket fence.

When I can finally afford to buy myself a VW Golf GTI.

And what can be better than if I can eat all & whatever I want and never have to watch my weight and/or cholestrol?

I'm looking forward to the day when I can tell the one & only garbage truck in my life to his face that he can go and burn in garbage incinerator hell for all I care.


But while waiting for all these to happen...

What if I walked out on the streets tomorrow and get hit by a bus and coincidentally, am wearing my floral granny panties on that fateful day?

Or if I am to go for a medical check-up next week and the doctor discover that I have stage 3 lung cancer?

Or on my way to my dream vacation, the plane encounters engine problems, has to make an emergency landing but unfortunately, crashes into the sea?


The truth is that if you can't be happy and count your blessings right at this very minute in your life, maybe you will never ever be contented with what you have.

Because you have not realized that what you currently have is considerably so much, so much more than what the 72-year-old auntie selling packets of tissue at Hong Lim Complex has.

*

My wish is that when my next birthday comes along, I'll be sounding like a broken record, saying the same thing I've said today: that I'm so much happier at that moment then than I've ever been before.

And I could not have asked for more.


"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough." - Meister Eckhardt

Flexing those muscles

I was in my yoga class the other day when it dawned upon me that no matter how much I practise, I may never be as flexible as the most flexible girl in the class.

And even if I spend days & nights at the gym working my ar*e off and adopt a goat's diet, I will never be as skinny as the girl that I saw the other day in her white bandage dress.

Because everyone is different - unique in their own little ways.

But that doesn't mean that I will stop trying (being more flexible, that is) as I've discovered recently during my weekly runs that a competitive side of me actually exists.

As long as we do our best, that, by far, is and should be good enough.


"If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We live, we learn

Every person that steps into our lives is meant to teach us something, regardless of the experience, good or bad.

And when a relationship falls apart, most of the time, it’s not only one party that is at fault. But often, it’s so much easier to put the blame on the other person.

Just because the person is perfect, doesn’t mean that he or she is perfect for you.

And no matter how hard you try, you can’t make someone love you - it just doesn't work that way.


“We can only learn to love by loving.” – Iris Murdoch

I will remember you. have to. must.

It's been awhile.

Funny that I didn't realize how precious my weekends are until recently. I have so many personal, non-work related stuff that I want to do and hopefully this time it's not just another case of NATO (No action, talk only).

*

Occasionally, in life, it takes something, an incident, perhaps an individual experience, to make us realize how significant some things in our lives are to us.

If you're one of those unfortunate ones, you won't until you've lost it.

I thought I've learnt a very important lesson back in 2003. And then I discovered that the truth is that people forget - I feel as if I'm back to my old selfish ways of putting myself first in front of everything else. Again.

When I'm well aware that each & every one of our days on the face of this earth are numbered.

And understand that there's indeed a possibility that a day called 'tomorrow' might never come.

And I've learnt that when a person you care about deeply is gone, it doesn't really matter how much tears you shed afterwards or how many times you place fresh white lilies by his grave because you will never get a chance to tell him again how you really feel.

I know.

Because I've been down that road before.

And yet, at times, I tend to forget & get my priorities all screwed up.

So I have to keep reminding myself over & over again.


I miss you, James.


"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." - John F. Kennedy

"I'll be coming home, wait for me"

"Flight attendants, please be seated for takeoff."

I was assigned to a window seat on my daytime flight back from Kota Bahru to Kuala Lumpur after the Lunar Year break last week. Which I wasn't exactly pleased about initially because it meant that I won't be able to get out of the plane as fast as I'd like to.

And I remembered thinking to myself "This is gonna be one lonnggg flight" when I realized that lucky seat 31A IS at the last row of the plane and seated next to me was a lady who was with her 7-month-old child.

Normally, I'd prefer to take a nap during the 50 minutes or so flight but due to the incessant crying of the baby and his mom's futile efforts to soothe him, I decided to shift my focus to the view outside.

My flights are often, if not always, in the late evenings due to my work schedule.

But on that day, flying 25,000 feet above sea level, with clouds that look like cotton candy; the warmth of the sunlight felt even through the window; the lush woodlands, the various hues of greens and blues reflected by the crystal clear sea; and when no matter how hard you squint, you can't seem to figure out where the sea ends & the horizon begins...

I used to marvel at the sight of the glorious night lights, which were readily available in every other city that I've been to. I'm wondering now whether they are even worth a comparison.

To think that I spend most of my waking hours at a desk in a concrete jungle, 5-6 days a week, I can't help but feel as if my entire life revolves around my work.

When there is so much out there - waiting to be discovered, to be explored, to be revelled in.

Don't take me wrong, I think my job is great (ok, so I'm a boring person) and I'm well aware that this is not a world whereby human beings can survive on eating grass, drinking water from a nearby river and living in caves; or where money grows on trees.

I remembered coming across this a few days ago from a book that I've been reading: Nobody on their deathbed ever said, “Gee, I wish I had spent more time at the office.”

I guess the keyword here is 'balance'.

While I know it's kinda late for a New Year resolution since it's coming to the 3rd month of the not-so-new-year (scary, huh?) but I'd like to make one of them this: to wake up and smell the roses - be more adventurous, more flexible in my schedule, make time for friends and go out more.

So the next time you extend an invitation for Friday night drinks to me and I give you some lame a** excuses about how I HAVE TO attend my 8.30pm yoga class, please can you remind me of this darn post.

“One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”
- Author Unknown

Blessed

I received this in my inbox today (Lawrence, if you happen to be reading this, for which I'm quite sure you will, thank you!).

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: 'Why does God have to select you for such a bad disease?'

To this Arthur replied:
'The world over -- 50 million children start playing tennis, 5 million learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, when I was holding a cup I never asked God 'Why me?'.

And today in pain I should not be asking God 'Why me?'

Which prompts me to ask myself when was the last time I counted my blessings?

Each & every one of us have so many things to be thankful for and yet often, we fail to realize how lucky we are. It has not dawned upon us that there are a lot of people in this world who are so much less fortunate than us. (Or, maybe, for some of us, we don't really give a hoot because all we care about is ourselves and for that, my friend, all I can say is that I feel sorry for you)

Instead of counting our blessings, we put more emphasis on what is lacking in our own little world - physical beauty, worldly possessions, a loving, more understanding/romantic partner, a better paying AND less stressful job (keep on dreamin', baby!)

In times of trial, we blame God; at times, our parents/partners, society, government, etc. but not for a moment do we look back and ask ourselves whether we have ever thanked or credited anyone during our happy moments.

The truth is that most of the time we don't because the majority of us think we deserve all the happiness in the world but not the trials & tribulations that come with it.

We simply refuse to acknowledge that ups & downs are part & parcel of life.

So today, I am ever so grateful for:

• Having my mom as a parent and thankful for everything that she has done for both my brother & I - without you, there will be no us;
• My relatives for being ever so supportive and remaining a close knit family even though there tend to be some on and off minor arguments,
• My cousin for allowing me to stay with her so that I can watch baby Aydan grow into a beautiful little girl and also, at the same time discover that in a relationship, a perfect partner does not exist;
• My amazing friends whom I have come to realize that even though we're far apart, that I can always count on them (you know who you are!);
• My job which I enjoy despite the fact that I still hate the idea of getting out of bed at 6.15am every weekday morning;
• My yoga classes which never fail to make me marvel at how time can possibly pass sooooo slowly and yet, brings a sense of peacefulness within me;
• Me being pink, pasty & healthy and though sometimes my left knee hurts a little after my 3km run, at least my four, whole, limbs are still attached to my trunk & in working order.

I could not have asked for more.

"There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness." - Carl Gustav Jung, Swiss psychiatrist, Psychologist and Founder of the Analytic Psychology, 1875 - 1961

A rich batter

Once upon a time, I had a cake but I wasn't satisfied then - I wanted the option of eating it also. At that time, I thought that savoring my cake was more meaningful than just plain staring at it.

But now that I've had the opportunity to take a bite of the cake, I'm not sure whether I want to continue stuffing my face with it.

(A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, perhaps?)

Come to think of it, the taste wasn't that divine either.

And now I'm beginning to yearn for the sight of my beautiful, used-to-be whole, oh-so-perfect cake.

Will I ever get a chance to have my cake and eat it too?

Only time will tell.

Until then, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.


"If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself.
Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking, the world belongs to you."
- Lao Tzu

"Choose what you like; like what you choose"

That was what a friend told me eons ago.

Sounds simple and yet very meaningful.

Since we (almost) always have choices in life but once a selection is made, it can be quite difficult to un-do.

Which is the reason why one should choose wisely and consider all the options available.

Although sometimes not making a choice is indirectly a choice by itself.

There is no guarantee that your favorite will still be one that you prefer exactly 1 year, 3 months and 17 days down the line.

Circumstances may change, let alone people.

Just because I love Haagen Daaz's Cookies & Cream to death, doesn't mean that I am obliged to go with that option each and every time I reach for the dessert menu.

Do what you think is best for you now, no matter what others say. Because at the end of the day, you will be the one stuck with your choice.

After all, we are all selfish in our own little ways.

"Life is a sum of all your choices." - Albert Camus

"Why are you such a nice person?"

Because...

I believe in karma.

Even though no one is around, someone up there is watching your every move.

I would expect to be treated the same way if the roles are reversed.

We are all humans who are prone to making mistakes and hence, deserve a second chance.

But last but definitely not least, since you don't know me long enough to discover every facet of me and find out that I'm merely human.

Just like you.


"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Why do I love you? Tell me why

Took me awhile to locate this quote:

"Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead; Do not write them on their tombstones, Speak them rather now instead." – Anna Cummins

Why do we perpetually take the things we have for granted?

How could we not have learnt from our past mistakes?

Why do we let our egos get in the way in bouts of anger, only to regret it later and yet, still refusing to swallow our pride and say those 2 little words that mean so much?

Why do we hurt the ones we love the most?

Why do we sometimes treat our friends better than our family?

In an ideal world, there will always be a tomorrow.

But every good story must have an ending and often enough, we don’t get to choose where, when or how.

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

RIP, grandma.

Have I told you lately...

Of late, I've been thinking a lot about how we sometimes allow the people around us determine what we should and shouldn't do.

Why is it that we care so much about how these people view us and what are coming out of their mouths?

They can say what they like at any time they want but at the end of the day, it's your life and your happiness at stake.

At that point, I told myself that I just want to live the moment and be content, knowing that I've at least given a shot at it instead of carrying on with my life, wondering what could have happened if I took the path less traveled.

Life is too short to care about what they think.


"Life is what you make it. Always has been, always will be." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Man in the mirror

I lost my cool yesterday. Twice, in fact.

Totally un-cool.

And to think of myself as someone with a high threshold of tolerance limit who cannot seem to recall when was the last time she lost her temper.

Maybe it's true that what you perceive yourself to be, is, most of the time, totally different from what others think of you.

You may think the world of yourself and yet, the people around you actually find it difficult to say something nice about you.

You may be an insecure little soul and yet, there's someone out there who adores you and thinks highly of you.

I guess there are a lot of delusional people out there, including yours truly.

I'd like to think that I'm a thoughtful person but deep down inside, I know I'm a selfish being.

At least I'm honest about it.

Admission is one thing, making a change is a completely different song altogether.


"We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." - Lynn Hall


Tick-tock,

Why does Monday come before Tuesday?

I was amused when I was reading my daily dose of horoscopes last week written by Yasmin Boland at moonology.com.

I had a 'Killing Me Softly' moment right there and then.

Which brings me to this question:
If the grass is indeed greener on the other side, does this person living on this 'other side' actually know how lucky he/ she is?

Why is it that we can't just be content with what we have? After all, the saying 'a bird in hand is worth two in the bushes' must have originated somewhere.


"Happiness consists not in having much, but in being content with a little." - Marguerite Gardiner


Hopelessly in .....,

An open book

In life, we will cross paths with a lot of characters, some colourful, some dull,some loud and some reserved.

But often, what you see may not be necessarily what you get.

***

I get quite uncomfortable if 5 minutes through my conversation with a stranger, she begins to talk to me like I'm her BFF.

Now who doesn't know that friendships take time to develop? After all, Rome was not built in a day.

I can't stand it when a person goes on and on forever and doesn't seem to need to catch a breather between each sentence.

Why can't she just shut the hell up already???

Maybe she was a mute in her previous life.

And judging by the rate she's going, she may go back to being one again in her next life since she has already fully utilized all her 'talktime' for 3 lifetimes.

And then there are people who pretend to be nice and extremely helpful but stabs you from behind when you're not looking.

Some individuals who seemed cocky on the exterior but as you get to know them better,you realize that they are actually kind people who will not hesitate to lend you a helping hand (or ear) when you need it.

Last but definitely not least, the type who are friends with everyone but then there's just something about him/ her that you just can't put your finger on. And no matter how hard you try, there always seem to be a humongous gap between the both of you.

Okay, so perhaps I didn't try hard enough. Or just couldn't be bothered to even try at all.

Maybe the problem lies with me, and not this person.


"To be yourself in this world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson


Not a good reader,

Dumb & dumber

Okay, so I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but that doesn't give anyone the right to put me down.

A person, no matter how patient, will still have a threshold limit - even if he's a saint.

And it is at times like these that I can totally relate to the boy next door who woke up one morning and decided to grab his dad's revolver and go on a shooting spree.

No kidding.

* * *

You may think that you are smarter than I am, but I beg to differ.

I've seen a handful of people in the past whom I personally don't think deserve to be in the positions that they're in, rise faster than the morning sun.

And I'm beginning to wonder if this is exactly what this other person is thinking about me right now.

Which leaves me with this question: If everyone on the face of this earth perceives themselves as smarter than they actually are (including the not-so-intelligent ones), why is the world still not a better place?

Maybe I really am a ditz after all.


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt


Baka-yarou,

That thing you (& yours truly) do

Do we...

...drink because we actually enjoy alcohol or merely because the rest of the crowd is doing it?

...smoke when we are stressed out and desperately need a fix? And did the addiction start 5 years back with us thinking that it was cool to be seen with a ciggie in our hand?

...doll ourselves up for work to feel good about ourselves or are we yearning for that second glance from strangers/ the opposite sex who bumped into us on the street?

...dress up to the nines just to hang out with our clique at certain 'happening' places just to see and be seen?

...own an LV bag and/or drive flashy cars just for show or due to the fact that we really have too much money to spare?

...give up our seat on the bus since we THINK that others are watching or because we REALLY want to do so?


"Always be a first rate version of yourself, instead of the second rate version of someone else." - Judy Garland


In a daze,

The colours of a rainbow

I'm a thinker. Always am, always will be.

I know that I worry too much for my own good sometimes but I've learnt to come to terms that there are a lot of things in life that I may not be able to control.

And often, letting go gives one a sense of liberation.

Yesterday, I heard the news about the passing of an ex-colleague from AIG, who lost his battle to cancer on July 8, 2009. I cried buckets whilst reading about his journey through the eyes of his youngest daughter here: http://ce5nt.blogspot.com/

Vincent, obviously God loves you more and wants you to be by his side. We're glad that you are now in a better place and no longer have to suffer. May your soul rest in peace.


If each and every sentence needs to end with a full-stop, what does the writer have to do to ensure that the message behind the sentence carries through once she has dotted all her 'i's and crossed her 't's?

I look forward to all of us putting our writing instruments to good use.


"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'" - Erma Bombeck


I hope you dance,

Constant change

I'm almost at the end of my third week in a not-so-foreign city and suprisingly, no inspiration has yet to come my way. But I'm hopeful since all the settling down in the new working environment might need awhile to get used to.

I had earlier received unexpected news during my first week here. I wouldn't say that I looked like a deer caught in the headlights when I heard it - I think I suprised myself with the composure that I've shown. After all, nothing is permanent and the only thing constant is change. Although I am in no position to influence the decision, I refuse to allow the choices that others make affect me.

But I have to admit that as the weeks went by, the stress levels went up a little higher than anticipated. I guess there were good days and then there were bad days but I know I'll just need to learn how to manage them.


"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future." - Author Unknown


Sangfroid,